Alone

Yesterday, my husband finally decided not to be 100% raw anymore (or whatever the percentage has been in our house). I'm both relieved and concerned. I'm relieved because he has been unsure for weeks about what his commitment was going to be. He built in a cheat day a few weeks ago, where he goes to a vegan restaurant and gets whatever he wants, but every day he goes on, wondering about how often he should do that, am I going to do that, and how much he really just wants to go gorge himself at Fogo de Chao.

Then there's the disappointment that has come almost every single night when I serve him his dinner. He just kind of deflates as he looks at it. I know he's not loving this lifestyle. He really enjoys the raw fruits throughout the day, but when it comes to dinners, there's always a let down.

This has been so discouraging for me. I'm actually a fantastic cook, and our meals are usually accompanied by his spontaneous or fished-for compliments. (I usually ask him about five times if he likes it - more if he LOVES it.) Food is definitely a "love language" in my family. I enjoy cooking fabulous, elaborate meals for my hubby. I enjoy him letting me know they are fabulous and elaborate. And it's all for him. Seriously, if I was eating alone every night, I'd be living on cereal or something.

So now that I've undertaken this huge endeavor to totally change the way I eat and give our menu a major make over, I have been so discouraged as I'm feeding my husband meal after meal and he's never in love with what I'm making. He's always very grateful, and open to trying to new things, but that's not the same. I want to see him reach for seconds, or say, "This one's a keeper! Did you write it down? Make sure to write it down!"

I keep asking him to please look up some recipes he'd like to try. That way he can at least take the blame when it's not what he was hoping for. But he hasn't taken the time to do that. Each meal is an experiment - a seemingly failed one.

So, now that he's announced he'd rather be about 80% raw instead, and would like to bring in some beans and rice and other things, I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. No more wobbling back and forth, and no more sad faces at dinner time. I hope.

But I'm also a little concerned about this change. It's been so much easier knowing that we were both doing this - you know, "a house divided" and all that. But when I went to the grocery store today to get stuff for our trip back home, I just didn't really know what to buy. Do I still spend an arm and a leg on the berries he likes to eat to keep him motivated to stay raw? Should I get him different snacks than mine? If so, which ones? How un-raw does he want to be? How much should I invest into his raw foods when he'll be supplementing with other things?

I zigzagged across the store in a stupor trying to figure it out.

Then, on the way home, we stopped to get gas and he and our other traveling companion when into Subway to get sandwiches. I just stared at their food. At his food. I've been so blessed to be in a bubble these last several weeks. We've both been raw and I haven't had to be bothered by having my old favorites around. But now...

We got home from our trip a couple hours ago, and our house is pretty bare of groceries, except what we brought back with us. He suggested I go to the grocery story, but I feel so discouraged and tired of what I've been eating that I just don't know what to get. I want to plan out a menu first and remember all the yummy things that are available to me before I go spend my money aimlessly on more carrots and greens.

We sat around for a bit before he invited me to go to his favorite vegan restaurant with him. I said I'd go, and he asked for the millionth time if I was going to have some cooked food while I'm there. I responded, for the millionth time, "No, honey. I'm doing this all the way for 6 months."

In the end, he called the restaurant to see if they had raw food dishes, and they said no. He encouraged me to still come, since they do have salads, but by then I just didn't want to go anymore. So, he went alone. And I'm here, writing this.

**UPDATE: He just walked in the door, and he brought me back a salad. As soon as he picks the chips off, I can eat it.