Don't Worry - Still Raw

I barely got through this most recent food crisis. It's been a rough week and it seemed I was being sabotaged from every angle. To make matters worse, I admit I spent a lot of time drooling over foods that I've sworn off for at least the next 6 months. By the time we hit the road to come home yesterday, and I had nothing but a bag of apples to snack on while my husband was feasting on some fragrant fried chicken, I was a mess.

When my husband stepped out to pump some gas, I fell apart in a pile of tears. I sobbed and prayed, and sobbed and prayed. It was by far my weakest moment of these last two months.

As the snot and tears were running down my face, I simultaneously thought these two things:

1) These were the feelings that I'd been expecting and fearing all along. This was the state that I have felt so grateful to have miraculously avoided for the last two months.

2) Thank you, thank you, thank you God that I haven't felt like these every day for the last two months.

So, I had a good cry, and then I chomped down on my apples. I've found that it's a lot harder for me to feel bitter and angry with a full stomach - regardless of what it's full of. And today, the crisis is over and I'm back to feeling like a raw foodie inside and out. I do not feel like it is a thick, stinky garment that I'm being forced to wear. I'm back to feeling like I'm making a choice, and that makes ALL the difference.

If I'm doing something because I want to do it - because I'm choosing this for myself - then I am 100% more likely to be successful than if I'm doing something because I feel like I have to. As soon as I have that feeling, I start feeling trapped, angry and bitter. That will absolutely end in me quitting. Every. Single. Time. Especially on the food front - feeling trapped is a MAJOR trigger for me because of some of my past food experiences.

I can point to different pools of fat on my body and be like, "Yeah, that's from the winter of '02; this one's from that one time in '06." Yup. My pounds gots stories! Which is why I need to be very careful about the ones I tell myself, and the ones I believe. Today, I'm feeling the "happily after ever" vibe.

Thank.
Goodness.

I'm feeling much more centered and in control of things. However, I'm still in desperate need of a thorough grocery run and have to rely on my husband finding the time in his busy busy schedule to go to the store for me, as I'm still spending most of my time with my sprained foot elevated. But the good news is that he can't last long without food, either, and at this rate, we'll both be dead by midnight tomorrow if he doesn't get to the store first thing in the morning. 

The Doors That Lead Me Here

Major food-prep session!

I am tremendously grateful for these last couple of days to myself. I have really been able to invest this time fully immersing myself into researching and experimenting with the raw food lifestyle. I've learned so much! The difference between where I am today and where I was 48 hours ago is very dramatic. I am feeling much more confident about this, and I have a whole slew of recipes that I've tried, and am looking forward to trying. 

I love it!

I spent half of my day in the kitchen, and the other half online - watching videos and Googling answers to a lot of my questions. One of the things that has really been a blessing to me as I've started this journey is the foundation that I've been building on these last 12 years. I've experienced so much guilt over the years as I've just managed my health half-way, and only toyed with different health principles. Well, little did I know that I was just setting the foundation for myself for when I was ready.

And, miraculously, I am finally ready. So, all those years of slowly learning things and digesting new ideas, and trying extreme health regimens did not go to waste, and I wish I'd never spent a single moment feeling guilty or ashamed. One of the principles that I've really come to understand over the last couple of years is that you cannot shame, or hate, or abuse your way to loving yourself. It's just not possible.

This book has helped me so much.

I have been experiencing a slow, spiritual unravelling of the things that have been weighing on me for years, keeping me from true happiness. I mention this because this has been one of the things that has kept me from success in the past. I would be working on my food lifestyle and physical nutrition, and then I would get to the edge of this cliff, where all the sticky, caustic emotions were just swirling below me, ready to come escape, and it would just scare me to death.

I would quickly retreat back to the foods and the lifestyle that numbed me out, and kept those emotions and past experiences from coming too close to the surface. 

I'm sure that I will come to that same cliff again - over and over again - but now I feel confident that I have the emotional and spiritual tools to withstand them as they pass through me on their way out. It's all been a journey thus far, and it will continue to be.

Back to Food

LASAGNA!! Sooo good :)

Today I tried some pretty detailed recipes, but they really paid off. For dinner, I had a raw lasagna, trying the cashew cheese for the first time. The sauce called for equal parts sun dried tomatoes, and fresh tomatoes, and it was so delicious I could have eaten it by the spoonful. I couldn't believe how amazing this meal was. I'm considering freezing a slice for my husband to eat when he gets back, but we'll have to see about that. I may just have to eat it all myself :)

But I also feel like I've come full circle these last couple of days. Where I've really been trying to come up with great recipes that would take the sting out of the transition, now I'm really wanting to simplify. I want to focus on having more mono meals, and a lot less fat. This will take a lot of the work out of what I'm doing, and be much better for my digestion. 

I have to kind of change my definition of a meal in order to do this, though. I absolutely love to cook and to experiment and to blend flavors. There's still a place for that in my new lifestyle, but I will simply get burned out if I try that for every meal - or even every day, I think. I need to rely more on the trusty salad option, and fill up on platters of fruit. That's going to make my life much easier - and healthier. 

I'm so amazed and grateful that I've made it this far. I've struggled with food addiction for years, and I've simply walked away from all of those junk foods I was thriving on. I haven't had a single craving for sweets since I started this, which has been my drug-of-choice for a long time. I'm just in awe, and I'm so grateful. I'm sure there will many, many food crises in the future, but I'm really relieved that I haven't had to battle them so far. I got this!