Don't Worry - Still Raw

I barely got through this most recent food crisis. It's been a rough week and it seemed I was being sabotaged from every angle. To make matters worse, I admit I spent a lot of time drooling over foods that I've sworn off for at least the next 6 months. By the time we hit the road to come home yesterday, and I had nothing but a bag of apples to snack on while my husband was feasting on some fragrant fried chicken, I was a mess.

When my husband stepped out to pump some gas, I fell apart in a pile of tears. I sobbed and prayed, and sobbed and prayed. It was by far my weakest moment of these last two months.

As the snot and tears were running down my face, I simultaneously thought these two things:

1) These were the feelings that I'd been expecting and fearing all along. This was the state that I have felt so grateful to have miraculously avoided for the last two months.

2) Thank you, thank you, thank you God that I haven't felt like these every day for the last two months.

So, I had a good cry, and then I chomped down on my apples. I've found that it's a lot harder for me to feel bitter and angry with a full stomach - regardless of what it's full of. And today, the crisis is over and I'm back to feeling like a raw foodie inside and out. I do not feel like it is a thick, stinky garment that I'm being forced to wear. I'm back to feeling like I'm making a choice, and that makes ALL the difference.

If I'm doing something because I want to do it - because I'm choosing this for myself - then I am 100% more likely to be successful than if I'm doing something because I feel like I have to. As soon as I have that feeling, I start feeling trapped, angry and bitter. That will absolutely end in me quitting. Every. Single. Time. Especially on the food front - feeling trapped is a MAJOR trigger for me because of some of my past food experiences.

I can point to different pools of fat on my body and be like, "Yeah, that's from the winter of '02; this one's from that one time in '06." Yup. My pounds gots stories! Which is why I need to be very careful about the ones I tell myself, and the ones I believe. Today, I'm feeling the "happily after ever" vibe.

Thank.
Goodness.

I'm feeling much more centered and in control of things. However, I'm still in desperate need of a thorough grocery run and have to rely on my husband finding the time in his busy busy schedule to go to the store for me, as I'm still spending most of my time with my sprained foot elevated. But the good news is that he can't last long without food, either, and at this rate, we'll both be dead by midnight tomorrow if he doesn't get to the store first thing in the morning. 

Fighting the Cravings

I went to bed last night and stayed up late reading. As I leaned over to turn off the light, I was hungry. But when I considered my food options, I was not motivated to go get something to munch on. In fact, I had a little bit of a panic attack, feeling like there was nothing in the world I could eat.

It was late. I knew I would feel better in the morning. And thankfully, I did. I started off my day by taking my sun dried tomatoes out of the dehydrator and having the rest of the kale chips I made the other night. Then, I walked down to the health food store and bought a bag of organic carrots and a pack of organic grapes to keep me fueled until I could make it to my destination.

What was my destination, you ask? FIGS! And there's only one place I get them - the farmer's market.

On my way there, I stepped into a vegan restaurant to see if they had some raw options. But as soon as I stepped in and glanced at the menu, I knew I had to get out of there. It was vegan - it would have been just too easy to rationalize ordering something that was NOT raw. In fact, I had my sites set on the very thing I wanted. I could almost taste it!

So, I turned on my heel and left - on to the figs.

But in order to get to these tasty morsels, I had to wade through the other food vendors. Oh, my senses were on fire. My mouth was watering, and I was just trying not to stare too long. I just thought about those figs - just a few short booths away. It became a mantra to get me through. Figs, figs, figs....

Figs. Life just doesn't get better than this!

This was one of my first times venturing out into the world, walking down the streets where I could smell all the foods I used to eat. I did have some fleeting moments of, "Look me in the eye again and I will tear that piece of chicken from your hand and run" urges, but I'm happy to report that I did make it safely to the fruit stand. And once I was there, I only had eyes for these dew drops from heaven.

Back Home on Safe Ground

I came home and made my first batch of almond milk, which was a huge success. It's so delicious. I could probably thin it out a little, but...it's so delicious! I think I'll keep it nice and thick. Especially since I'm mostly using it for my tea.

Next up is a new recipe for my almond yogurt - it's actually just using the milk instead of the whole almonds. That's why my yogurt is like ricotta cheese - all the pulp! And no thank you. I'd much rather have it creamy. I'm not a fan of having to chew my yogurts, juices, or anything else you're supposed to be able to just swallow. I am NOT a fan of pulp.

But other than that, I think I'm done with experimenting for a while. Now I just want to stock up on the things that I love, and keep them handy. Unfortunately, I'm having a bit of a shortage at the moment. That's putting me into code red, I'm afraid.

It's 9:50 p.m. and my day has wound down. I'm home alone, and all I want to do is snack. I want to be able to go to the kitchen and pour a bowl of cereal. I want to pop open a package of cookies. I want to order some Chinese food and savor every bit of it.

I want, I want, I want...

And it kind of feels like last night, when I started to feel a little panicky over what I'm doing. But it's more like, "WHAT AM I DOING??"

The temptations and the shock of what I'm doing are usually happy to take a backseat and let me do this thing. But there are times that they just sneak up on me and scream in my face. It's very jarring. It's very hard.

But, I'm doing this for a reason, and that reason is just going to have to feed me for these next 5 and a half months. That reason is going to have to give me the strength to turn on my heel, and keep walking - over and over again.

I'll be okay.

*sigh*

I'll be okay.