Sunday, October 13, 2013

Food: A Struggle and a Win

I've been raw now for about 7 and a half weeks. This past week brought some unique challenges, and a couple wins. There is one thing in this world that I would be willing to throw everything away for. That one thing is Pad Thai from this wonderful Thai restaurant down the road. That is the only craving that has literally brought me to tears during this whole journey.

Last night, I went to that Thai place and sat next to my husband as he ate that very dish. We went with family, and I was actually the one that chose the restaurant because I wanted to share the amazing discovery of this place. This was one of my most difficult moments thus far. Perhaps we should have gone for seafood instead, since I hate that anyway.

But I did survive! I ordered a Thai coconut and a huge side salad, and an hour later, the temptation was gone. As we drove home afterwards, it struck me how temporary food is. It doesn't matter what I'm eating or not eating - the whole meal experience is so short that it barely matters at all.

The Win!

We were down in San Diego earlier this week, and we found a fabulous little raw cafe called Peace Pies. This was by far my most favorite raw food experience thus far. I was feeling a little panicky that day (I sometimes still feel like I'm going crazy doing this - or that I already am!), and when I opened up that menu, I just unraveled. The whole menu looked amazing.

I order the zucchini noodles with cashew Alfredo and my husband ordered the nachos. I'd never really had zucchini noodles before, except for one disastrous experiment about two days into the raw food diet that ended up going in the trash. But I've been wanting to try again - especially since I didn't have the right tools to make the noodles right (you really need a spiralizer).

When I took that first bite, I literally sighed and could have just cried right there in the middle of the restaurant. And my husband's nachos were just as delicious - it even had raw chips. In fact, I ate all of mine, and about half of his (he says he gets full really fast when eating raw - I was happy to help!). And we STILL had desert - some strawberry cashew cheesecake. (Hmmm - maybe that's why I'm losing weight so slow.)

Yes - by far my best experience yet. Now, I just need to get a spiralizer!

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

In Which I Keep it Simple, Slay a Beet, and Disclose Another "Bonus"

Today will be the end of week six on the raw food diet. I'm still (miraculously) going strong. I have no idea how I've made it this far, but I'm very grateful. All I can really say is that I felt a calling for this. I don't know how else to describe it. So, I'm sticking with it for the entire six months. My last day will be February 21, 2014, and it will be very interesting to see how I feel about it at that time. Will I go longer? Will I be relieved? I'm not sure.

Right now, I'm feeling pretty comfortable in this lifestyle. I still have moments of shock, wondering what the heck I'm doing, and I have times that I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. But mostly, I'm really happy to be doing this.

K.I.S.S.

One of the biggest factors in my success this far, I think, has been to just try to keep things simple.
When I first started getting into this, I was excited to try new recipes, and anxious to reassure myself that I could still have a lot of amazing foods. And that's true! And I still enjoy trying new things. However, the more that I rely on those fancy concoctions, the more discouraged I get because of the amount of time it takes, and the number of failed experiments.

Objects in this photo are larger than they appear.
I mostly try to mono meal on fruit throughout the day, and have a huge salad in the evening. What I've consistently been doing is starting my day with half of a seedless watermelon. Then, I might make a meal out of a bag of grapes; if I get hungry later, I'll have four bananas or so. Then, for dinner, I make a huge salad. At first, I couldn't figure out why I was running out of salad dressing so fast, since I'm not usually a big dressing person. But then I had a DUH! moment when I realized that if I'm eating five times the amount of salad I normally do, then of course I'm going to zip right through my dressings because I'm using it up five times faster!

80-10-10

The basis for my current structure is the 80-10-10 raw food diet, as designed and discussed by Dr. Graham. My husband thinks I'm crazy because of the amount of fruit sugars I'm consuming, and I'm sure there are a lot of people that will disagree with THIS formula for a raw food diet. However, it's the one that's really resonating with me. I intuitively made the decision to go to raw foods for healing, so it seems only right that I'll pick WHICH raw food dogma I want to follow intuitively, too.

I will say that I'm a HUGE sugarmonger, and I have not had a single sugar craving since going raw. I mean, I was super addicted to sweets. I am in awe that I have not had a single temptation for those foods I used to eat on a regular basis. I take that as a sign that I must be doing something right.

Well, 80-10-10-ish...

Even though that's the formula that I've roughy following, I need to emphasize that I'm ROUGHLY following it. I'm not tracking my calories or anything, and I'm sure I'm still consuming more fat than is recommended. My salad dressings all have oils in it, and I usually eat about one avocado per day. But I don't really care at this point. I'm glad to have a baseline ideal, and I'm glad I'm still raw. Beyond that, I'm just doing the best I can.

I've also made some raw burgers that are AMAZING. I am so in love with them. I made some for my trip a couple weeks ago, and made another batch over the weekend. I've been having one of those for lunch, wrapped up in some lettuce leaves with a yummy garlic-sundried tomato-basil spread we found at a little produce stand on Friday. DELICIOUS. The flavors just burst in my mouth, and it's all I can do to just limit myself to the one burger.

Cravings


The bloody trail left over
from my beet juice.
My cravings have been very moderate. I often have a dull aching for cooked foods, but that's more of an emotional yearning. Sometimes I feel bored on the raw foods because I'm used to the stimulation that comes from eating junk food. I am a huge emotional eater. I reached for the crap when I was anything but baseline. If I was happy, it was time to celebrate. If I was sad, it was time for "therapy." If I was bored, it was time for "entertainment." Sugar had the unique ability to be all of those things.

But now, it's just me and my issues, facing off each day. There is no burying them under food. There's only looking at them, getting to know them, marinating in them.

This is a GOOD thing, but not a good experience. Frankly, I preferred the sugar.

But speaking of cravings, I was TOTALLY craving some beets today. And I don't even like beets! But my body was definitely telling me I needed something more. I haven't been doing any juicing, since my juicer is in storage at my sister's 2000 miles away, and I think that's taking its toll. Today, my body was really craving a steep infusion of goodness.

So, I pureed a beat and a carrot in my blender, then strained the pulp off using a cheese bag. Then I gulped it down. Technically, I think I'm supposed to sip and chew my juices to keep them from affecting my blood sugar too much, but that wasn't really an option for me. Like I said, I don't really like beets. It was gulp it or puke it.

A Cool Finding

There's also been one more finding that I'll share. I've been craving brain food like crazy. I mean, I have almost no appetite for movies and shows (we don't watch TV anyway). All I want to do is watch documentaries and read, read, and read. I like this :)

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Alone

Yesterday, my husband finally decided not to be 100% raw anymore (or whatever the percentage has been in our house). I'm both relieved and concerned. I'm relieved because he has been unsure for weeks about what his commitment was going to be. He built in a cheat day a few weeks ago, where he goes to a vegan restaurant and gets whatever he wants, but every day he goes on, wondering about how often he should do that, am I going to do that, and how much he really just wants to go gorge himself at Fogo de Chao.

Then there's the disappointment that has come almost every single night when I serve him his dinner. He just kind of deflates as he looks at it. I know he's not loving this lifestyle. He really enjoys the raw fruits throughout the day, but when it comes to dinners, there's always a let down.

This has been so discouraging for me. I'm actually a fantastic cook, and our meals are usually accompanied by his spontaneous or fished-for compliments. (I usually ask him about five times if he likes it - more if he LOVES it.) Food is definitely a "love language" in my family. I enjoy cooking fabulous, elaborate meals for my hubby. I enjoy him letting me know they are fabulous and elaborate. And it's all for him. Seriously, if I was eating alone every night, I'd be living on cereal or something.

So now that I've undertaken this huge endeavor to totally change the way I eat and give our menu a major make over, I have been so discouraged as I'm feeding my husband meal after meal and he's never in love with what I'm making. He's always very grateful, and open to trying to new things, but that's not the same. I want to see him reach for seconds, or say, "This one's a keeper! Did you write it down? Make sure to write it down!"

I keep asking him to please look up some recipes he'd like to try. That way he can at least take the blame when it's not what he was hoping for. But he hasn't taken the time to do that. Each meal is an experiment - a seemingly failed one.

So, now that he's announced he'd rather be about 80% raw instead, and would like to bring in some beans and rice and other things, I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. No more wobbling back and forth, and no more sad faces at dinner time. I hope.

But I'm also a little concerned about this change. It's been so much easier knowing that we were both doing this - you know, "a house divided" and all that. But when I went to the grocery store today to get stuff for our trip back home, I just didn't really know what to buy. Do I still spend an arm and a leg on the berries he likes to eat to keep him motivated to stay raw? Should I get him different snacks than mine? If so, which ones? How un-raw does he want to be? How much should I invest into his raw foods when he'll be supplementing with other things?

I zigzagged across the store in a stupor trying to figure it out.

Then, on the way home, we stopped to get gas and he and our other traveling companion when into Subway to get sandwiches. I just stared at their food. At his food. I've been so blessed to be in a bubble these last several weeks. We've both been raw and I haven't had to be bothered by having my old favorites around. But now...

We got home from our trip a couple hours ago, and our house is pretty bare of groceries, except what we brought back with us. He suggested I go to the grocery story, but I feel so discouraged and tired of what I've been eating that I just don't know what to get. I want to plan out a menu first and remember all the yummy things that are available to me before I go spend my money aimlessly on more carrots and greens.

We sat around for a bit before he invited me to go to his favorite vegan restaurant with him. I said I'd go, and he asked for the millionth time if I was going to have some cooked food while I'm there. I responded, for the millionth time, "No, honey. I'm doing this all the way for 6 months."

In the end, he called the restaurant to see if they had raw food dishes, and they said no. He encouraged me to still come, since they do have salads, but by then I just didn't want to go anymore. So, he went alone. And I'm here, writing this.

**UPDATE: He just walked in the door, and he brought me back a salad. As soon as he picks the chips off, I can eat it.

Revenge of the Ice Cream

I picked up a pint of chocolate coconut the ice cream Saturday night after looking over the ingredients. The main ingredients were coconut milk, agave syrup and cocoa powder. There were also emulsifiers, like carob bean gum and guar gum. I figured it would be ok. I rationalized. I indulged. I even thought I was being cute by posting a picture of it's empty carton on my "Confessions" post.

Well, now it's time for the rest of the story.

Within the hour, I realized that my right forearm had broken out into a rash. I looked at my left arm, and I literally watched it go from clear to spotted, right before my very eyes. I couldn't believe what I was seeing!

The next morning, I ran my hand across my forehead and realized that it was covered in small bumps. I rushed to the bathroom and saw that the rash had crept across my face and chest. Within 24 hours of that, the dots had bled across my entire body. Here I am, 72 hours after the fact, and I am covered head to toe. My lips haven't even been spared. Even my FINGERTIPS have been kissed by the ice cream's revenge!

Why I'm THRILLED About This

I am actually so excited about this. This means that the environment in my body has dramatically changed over these last five weeks on the raw diet. My body is in absolute riot mode after eating that ice cream. The excessive chocolate in particular probably caused my liver to freak out, and so now my body is detoxing through my skin.

A month ago, my body would have seen that dessert as a bug on its windshield. But today, it's taking a stand against toxins!

So yes - I have no hard feelings about the war that has been waged against me. I have learned that something is indeed going on inside of my body, and I'm relieved. There is so little evidence to me that anything is actually happening - that changes are actually being made. I don't really know what to measure my success by without getting my blood drawn. But every now and then, there are those a-ha! moments when I realize that things are changing. And those little moments are enough to keep me hanging on for the big payout at the end.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

One Month Down...

Today officially marks the end of my first month on the raw diet. I know I keep saying this, but I am just so amazed that I've made it this far. What a blessing! I am in complete shock. This is especially true because my husband has been wavering a little bit, and encouraged me to loosen up a little bit, too, by having a vegan blow meal once a week.

In the past, I've tended to set my standard by his performance, but not this time. I'm so committed to this. I think he could start eating steaks every day and I still wouldn't budge. I absolutely know that this is going to be my life until February 21, 2014. Period. I'm really glad that I set this up as just a 6-month experiment. I think this has really freed me from the pressure that comes from "NEVER!!!"

Also, I can't believe this month has gone by so quickly. It's gone. I'm coming up on 5 weeks in just a few days, and it seems like it's both been just a few days, and also like I've always been doing this.

One thing that I've really enjoyed is feeling like I'm finally eating in line with my principles about health and nutrition. However, I'm still having guilt all the time about what I'm going wrong, or not enough, or only half-way. Maybe that's just my personality - to always be looking for what else I should be doing. When I was 119 pounds and fully vegan eating mostly living foods, I still beat myself up over the things I was doing wrong.

And here I am, fully raw, and I'm still picking myself to pieces. Gwen, Gwen, Gwen. Just settle the heck down and stop with the criticisms. Ain't nobody got time for that!

I will say that the last couple days have been a little more intense for me. I've been traveling and staying at my cousin's house, and she's trying to eat really healthy right now. Her idea of healthy and mine are totally different, and there are times that I find myself looking at her turkey wrap or chips and salsa and thinking, "How different are they really? What's so bad about what she's eating? What difference would it really make if that's what I was eating?"

Of course, I know all the answers to those questions - but I also easily forget. When I'm alone with my raw foods, it all makes sense and I'm quick to pat myself on the back and celebrate. But when I go out into the real world, it's like I just forget all the reasons I'm doing this.

Luckily, I've at least been able to muster up a, "You're doing this for a really good reason - whatever it is - so KEEP AT IT!" And that's enough to keep me happily munching on my carrots while the rest of the world munches on everything else.

*Sigh*

One down, five to go.

Saying Good-bye to Old Friends

I've been stunned the last couple days as I've gone back to stores like Wal-mart and the 99 cent store with my cousin. My "places of worship" the last month have been Trader Joe's and Sprout's. I seriously took for granted how easy it's been to avoid temptations when I'm spending my time in health food stores. I haven't had to walk through isles of Doritos, Halloween candy, and Hostess Sno-Balls for weeks.

Walking among all these old familiar favorites, I could almost hear them calling me by my first name. "Hey, Gwen! Long time no see! I miss you. Let's put in some more couch time, baby."

I looked at them with big round eyes, like a deer caught in the headlights. It's like, "Oh, yeah! That! And That! And those!" It's such an odd sensation. I wouldn't say I'm craving them, or even desiring them. But I'm remembering desiring them. It's like putting on an old shirt that's no longer in style, but remembering how hot you felt when you wore it 10 years ago. Weird. Even still, I don't think it would take too long to erode my will power if I had to walk in there every day and pass by those old friends.

So, I guess I'd better add one more safety feature to my list of 6 things I do to combat cravings - AVOID TRADITIONAL GROCERY STORES. They aren't set up to feed me, but they sure make me hungry.


How Do I Feel About Eating Animals?

I'm primarily making this change to raw foods for health reasons, and not because of my stance on the ethical treatment of animals. Right now, I'm still craving meat and looking forward to the end of this 6-month experiment so I can enjoy some sesame chicken.

However, I'm also fully expecting this to change. I was vegan for about 18 months 10 years ago, and it was a similar situation in which I'd made the change primarily for health reasons. But the longer that I went without eating animal products, the more uncomfortable I became at the thought of it. I started to think about how unnatural it is to have these animals mass-produced as food products, and I the thought of eating flesh started to gross me out. This was before Food, Inc. and all those other lovely documentaries came out to give us all the guilt trips of our lives, too.

But then, we started to move away from the vegan life style, and we gradually started to make more and more exceptions with the animal products. Until a month ago, I was back to being a full-on carnivore. I can still psych myself out when I think about what I'm eating, but it takes work.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that my mindset tends to eventually come into line with my lifestyle, whatever that happens to be. So even though I currently have a foot stuck in both worlds, don't be surprised when I start posting snippets from Food, Inc. and start protesting against the local butcher.