The Doors That Lead Me Here

Major food-prep session!

I am tremendously grateful for these last couple of days to myself. I have really been able to invest this time fully immersing myself into researching and experimenting with the raw food lifestyle. I've learned so much! The difference between where I am today and where I was 48 hours ago is very dramatic. I am feeling much more confident about this, and I have a whole slew of recipes that I've tried, and am looking forward to trying. 

I love it!

I spent half of my day in the kitchen, and the other half online - watching videos and Googling answers to a lot of my questions. One of the things that has really been a blessing to me as I've started this journey is the foundation that I've been building on these last 12 years. I've experienced so much guilt over the years as I've just managed my health half-way, and only toyed with different health principles. Well, little did I know that I was just setting the foundation for myself for when I was ready.

And, miraculously, I am finally ready. So, all those years of slowly learning things and digesting new ideas, and trying extreme health regimens did not go to waste, and I wish I'd never spent a single moment feeling guilty or ashamed. One of the principles that I've really come to understand over the last couple of years is that you cannot shame, or hate, or abuse your way to loving yourself. It's just not possible.

This book has helped me so much.

I have been experiencing a slow, spiritual unravelling of the things that have been weighing on me for years, keeping me from true happiness. I mention this because this has been one of the things that has kept me from success in the past. I would be working on my food lifestyle and physical nutrition, and then I would get to the edge of this cliff, where all the sticky, caustic emotions were just swirling below me, ready to come escape, and it would just scare me to death.

I would quickly retreat back to the foods and the lifestyle that numbed me out, and kept those emotions and past experiences from coming too close to the surface. 

I'm sure that I will come to that same cliff again - over and over again - but now I feel confident that I have the emotional and spiritual tools to withstand them as they pass through me on their way out. It's all been a journey thus far, and it will continue to be.

Back to Food

LASAGNA!! Sooo good :)

Today I tried some pretty detailed recipes, but they really paid off. For dinner, I had a raw lasagna, trying the cashew cheese for the first time. The sauce called for equal parts sun dried tomatoes, and fresh tomatoes, and it was so delicious I could have eaten it by the spoonful. I couldn't believe how amazing this meal was. I'm considering freezing a slice for my husband to eat when he gets back, but we'll have to see about that. I may just have to eat it all myself :)

But I also feel like I've come full circle these last couple of days. Where I've really been trying to come up with great recipes that would take the sting out of the transition, now I'm really wanting to simplify. I want to focus on having more mono meals, and a lot less fat. This will take a lot of the work out of what I'm doing, and be much better for my digestion. 

I have to kind of change my definition of a meal in order to do this, though. I absolutely love to cook and to experiment and to blend flavors. There's still a place for that in my new lifestyle, but I will simply get burned out if I try that for every meal - or even every day, I think. I need to rely more on the trusty salad option, and fill up on platters of fruit. That's going to make my life much easier - and healthier. 

I'm so amazed and grateful that I've made it this far. I've struggled with food addiction for years, and I've simply walked away from all of those junk foods I was thriving on. I haven't had a single craving for sweets since I started this, which has been my drug-of-choice for a long time. I'm just in awe, and I'm so grateful. I'm sure there will many, many food crises in the future, but I'm really relieved that I haven't had to battle them so far. I got this!

All About Food

Almond yogurt with fresh strawberries
and a touch of raw honey. 

My life is kind of revolving around food at the moment, so it's appropriate that I dedicate a post to the details.

The Yogurt

Today has been full of some food experiments. The almond yogurt wasn't quite done last night, so I let it sit overnight. I had my first bowl this morning, and honestly, I'm wondering if the probiotics worked, or if I'm just eating something that was left on the counter too long. (I'm mostly joking...)

The yogurt was...not yogurt. But it wasn't bad! I blended in some raw honey and fresh strawberries, and it made a good breakfast. Even though I'm going to have to get used to the flavor, I was craving it throughout the day, which I take to be a good sign.

It's a little mealy (like the texture of ricotta cheese), and I can definitely pick up that fermented flavor, which is almost a little cheese-like. This actually gives me some ideas of other things I can use it for. I have a friend that's been doing this raw thing for a couple years (and was actually the one who took me to see the presentation that inspired me to do this), and he said he uses a probiotic that results in a better flavor, and the result isn't as mealy - the same brand featured in the video below.

Hmm... I will have to try that, but I'm definitely skeptical about whether it's just a matter of the probiotic I'm using. After all, this was my first try, so I'm thinking of all the things I may have potentially done wrong. I think I'll try another batch in the next couple days, once this one is gone, and see if I can get a different outcome. For one, the skins were really hard to take off of the almonds, so I'm wondering if I just hadn't soaked them long enough. If so, then that could be why the concoction wasn't creamier.

In addition, I've discovered I don't even have to remove the skin. Here is a video of Lou Corona, the man that inspired me to finally do this, going over the basics of this yogurt stuff:

Kale Chips

Homemade "cheesy" kale chips - delicious!

As of three minutes ago, this has been my most favorite discovery so far. The reason is not so much because of the kale chips, though, as much as it is the nutritional yeast. I had heard that this yeast has a cheesy flavor, but I'd never had it. Until just now! And I mean JUST NOW. I took a picture of the kale chips being dehydrated for this post, and noticed that they looked done. I popped one in my mouth and literally gasped.

Wow! These are soooo delicious, and they really do taste cheesy! I am in shock. I am in love. So I'm posting THIS picture instead. I intend to eat every last one of these things before this post is published. Here's the recipe I used, but I subbed the walnuts for sunflower seeds, the olive oil for coconut oil, and I also added some cayenne, since I like some spice. I know - I might as well have just given you my own recipe, but I'm too lazy. You'll get the idea... Also, I think the reason my "cheese" clumps are so big is because the sunflower seeds were too wet. Next time I'm going to try to make it more crumbly.

Other Foods I'm Loving

In my first post, I published a picture of some eggplant chips with fresh guacamole. I really loved these, and now I'm trying to make the same recipe with zucchini. I cut three zucchinis in three different ways, to give it some variety and see which ones I prefer on the dehydrator. I cut one in small circles - like chips; one in long, thin slices; and one in "sticks". I'll give a report tomorrow on the one that I prefer. I'm hoping for something crunchy, so we'll see!

My new addiction.

I am also drinking a looot of red tea, which is really high in antioxidants, and just makes me happier about this whole thing. When I'm feeling discouraged, or at a loss of what to make, it's tea time. And as I sip on this yummy goodness, going raw seems much more doable.

I had this for the first time several months ago at a friend's house, and I loved it so much she sent me home with my own stash. I'm now running fairly low, after drinking it like crazy this past week, so I tried to find some more at Sprouts. I found a Celestial Seasonings variety with some vanilla - which was the purest blend I could find. I couldn't find JUST the tea, and the other brands had other things like cinnamon and cloves added to it. I may try those in the future, but if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I just want the straight tea.

NOTE: This is purely an herbal tea. It's not actually from a tea leaf; the Rooibos is its formal plant name, and "red tea" is just a nickname. So there's no caffeine or yucky acids to deal with.

UPDATE: A friend just referred me to the BEST TEA SHOP EVER, where I can order this tea is so many different delicious flavors. I think I'm going to have to make some exceptions to my tea-only rule. You can check out that site here:  http://tinroofteas.com/rooibush-teas/.

A Confession

So, here's a little confession. When I started this raw journey, I'd just gone grocery shopping like two days earlier, so I had an unopened carton of Almond Milk in the fridge. What to do, what to do? DRINK IT! I've been putting a splash of the milk in my tea, which is probably cheating, but I know the milk comes from raw almonds, so I can easily rationalize this (= rational ' lies). But, I probably won't buy more. Instead, I'm hoping to find an easy recipe for making my own. If you have an opinion on this, or a great recipe to share, feel free to leave that below.

My Golden Rule With Food

I've quickly realized that one of the keys to my success is going to be avoiding things that I hate. I COULD eat some of this crap for health's sake, but why do that to myself? Chances are, there is always something else just as healthy that I could be eating instead.

For instance, the other night I tried my hand at making marinara sauce over zucchini spaghetti. It wasn't spaghetti, and it was crunchy and cold. Gross! So, being a college-educated woman with a truckload of wisdom, I decided what I really needed to do was use spaghetti squash next time. Which I did the next day. The result? It was still crunchy, cold, and gross. I ate a few bites, feeling sorry for myself and wondering what the heck I was doing trying to go raw, when I realized that I didn't have to eat it.

"But it's so healthy!" I argued. "It's raw! This is my life now - I just need to get used to this!"

I struggled through another bite or two before I realized that if I am going to do this raw thing, I'd better be eating foods that I really enjoy - and there are plenty of them! So I quickly tossed the impostor and made myself a huge salad - something that is SUPPOSED to be crunchy and cold, and is just as healthy.

So, that's been my motto. If I don't like it, move on to the next experiment. The flip side of that is that I'm making an effort to keep things on hand that I know that I love. This includes avocados, watermelon, young coconuts, eggplant chips, herbal teas, sun-dried tomatoes, and fruits galore.

Even still, I'm committed to experimenting and trying new things every day. In the process, I'm discovering more foods that I both love and hate - and recalibrating my experiments accordingly. So, we'll see what new flavors tomorrow holds.

Told'ya

My New Super Power & A Little TMI

I am Super No

At 2:00 this morning, my husband announced that he would be going out of town this afternoon. For days. There were no previous plans for this, but he suddenly decided that his hottest business prospects were 10 hours away, so that's where he needed to be, too. 

What would you have done? Well, this is an old hat for me. We have left on many-a trips like this, with just a few hours between thinking about it and doing it. I just kind of go with the flow, and make it work. I drop what I'm doing, get the house ready, the dog ready, the car ready, my psyche ready, and off we drive into the sunset.

But this time, I said, "No."

We both blinked in astonishment. 

What did I just say? 

"No." That is a word that is not often found in my vocabulary. After all, I am the wife of a busy entrepreneur who has the attention span of a gnat. He's spontaneous, and I show my love by pretending to be. 

But this time, the word came easily to me. 

My husband wasn't really excited about leaving without me, and I wasn't too excited to see him leave, but I knew I'd made the right choice.

The Breakthrough

How it usually goes...

The breakthrough for me today was that when I was faced with having to make a quick, huge decision, I did not go into throes of anxiety or overwhelm. I did not waffle back and forth on what to do, or what I thought I SHOULD do. I immediately, intuitively, knew what the best answer was for me.

I recognized that staying would not be easy, but going would be harder, and made my final decision very quickly. This is huge for me, and the complete opposite of how this usually goes down. I really believe that my ability to make a quick decision, and to confidently stick to it, is a direct result of my raw diet. My mental clarity is amazing. 

I have also gone down a notch in my belt, my face is thinning out, I'm not waking up feeling hung over, and I have an enormous amount of energy.

I am a bit constipated (TMI?), but I think that's because my body is dumping faster than my bowel is able to...you know. I'm taking a lot of herbs in hopes of avoiding an enema (ok, now I know we're in the TMI camp), but we'll see. 

The Reason I Stayed

Warding off tempations.

There are many reasons for this, but the main reason I decided not to go is because my new lifestyle is
still in infancy. This has been a hard (albeit welcome) transition for me, and I know that I am not strong enough to hit the road and go couch surfing for the next week. In fact, I had to purge my house of simple tortilla chips and Rice Krispies because they were starting to look like filet mignon and ice cream. 

What would have happened to me if I'd gone to my brother's house and been surrounded by, offered, and encouraged to eat all those other foods?? One of two things would have happened. I would have either been absolutely miserable in my abstinence, or caved in. Either way, why make is so hard for myself?

I know that there will be times that I will need to go live in my life. But right now, I'm transitioning into a different way of living, and I really want to get my feet up under me before I start running marathons. I mean, traveling and being in other people's houses and lives carries enough stress as it is. Throw in the fact that I'd totally be swimming upstream with little support, and it would be a nightmare. 

A Temporary Hermit

So I opted to stay home, where my raw fare is within arms reach - and the non-raw fare is not. I made my very first batch of raw almond yogurt tonight, which is "brewing" at this very minute (23 more minutes, and that baby's going down the gullet). I watched a bunch of YouTube videos about other raw recipes while I sat on the couch and peeled the almonds in preparation.

I intend to spend the next few days really immersing myself into this. Then, I will be that much closer to being ready to hit the road for my SCHEDULED-IN-ADVANCE trip just a few short weeks away. Real life is just itching for me to hop back in. I know it's coming.  But for now, I'm content hemming myself in against "the rest of the world."

So, here's to a few precious days of eating raw, talking to myself, and doing nothing at the spur of the moment. 

Bliss.

And So It Begins...

My fridge.

I'm going 100% raw for the next six months, and I have mixed feelings about it. But luckily, I'm sitting more on the "I'm totally committed" side of the fence, than the "WHAT HAVE I DONE!!" side.

Most of the time.

There are times that I stand aimlessly in my kitchen and whimper at the shock of it. But mostly, I'm excited to explore this new world of flavors and creativity. I'm learning to use a dehydrator, making raw almond yogurt, and buying ingredients I never even knew existed. Eating raw is like an art form.

Although at the moment, it often feels like a part-time job.

The Learning Curve

But as discouraging as it can be, I know this is just the learning curve. We went through this 11 years ago when we first went vegan (although it's been several years since we claimed that lifestyle). Actually, I guess it was closer to a raw diet, since we were striving to eat all living foods as often as possible. That's when we first swapped cow's milk for soy milk and started buying fridge-loads of vegetables that would mostly just go bad before I could use them.

I had no idea how to cook that stuff. Heck, I barely knew how to cook at all, having just gotten married six months earlier at the tender age of 19 (oh, I dare my daughter to try that one...).

But over the following months, we started to taste the cereal through the soy milk until we didn't even taste the milk at all. I started to find new and delicious ways to create vegan dishes that did not revolve around trying to copy my "regular" menu. I started to love making the food, and even began to enjoy eating it.

A learning curve - that's all.

Home-made guac with spicy eggplant chips -
fresh from the dehydrator.

So when we decided to go vegan again 12 days ago, it kind of felt like coming home to myself. After all, that's how we mostly eat at home anyway, since that's how I learned to cook. Besides, in California, there's no shortage of places that cater to that lifestyle. And I also left the door open for processed sugar - Icees were still on the menu. Not bad.

But then we went to a raw food presentation by this man, and I sat there the whole time thinking, "I could do this. I could do this!"

There were a world of excuses that kept trying to weasel their way into my mind, but it was like they were just flies buzzing around my head. Nothing ever felt like it was my own thought - I never made an emotional connection with the excuses. Instead, I just felt inspired.

That night, my husband and I stayed up late discussing the possibility of going raw. Could we? Would we? Why?

The Why 

There are several reasons. For starters, my husband and I both have various health problems that we hope the raw life style will help us overcome. In addition, we both have always intended to go back to eating the way we used to all those years ago, but meat and ice cream kept changing our mind.

I can't speak for my husband, but the thing that really inspired me to take this jump is the fact that we are trying to have children. There's a much longer version of that story, but the point is that I've always known I would go back to a living diet when I had children. I can't conceive of feeding my children anything less.

And since we're trying to have children now, this seemed like the most appropriate time. Especially because I don't want to change my lifestyle while I'm pregnant because I'm nervous about whether that would cause all of my dumping toxins to go into the fetus. I don't know if it really works that way, but why take chances? My husband and I already have a few odds stacked against us when it comes to genetics. Why take the risk?

The Time Table

Raw tacos from a restaurant my husband found. Yum!

So, we set the finish line to be six months from August 21. Emotionally, that's as far as I could handle. If I was getting into this on a "forever" basis, I would probably just buckle in a couple weeks and go get lost in a candy store somewhere. (Or at Fogo de Chao!)

However, I do expect that by the time we finish this challenge, our tastes will have changed and it will be easier for us to maintain a more moderate diet of living foods. I'm not even going to start setting goals that far out, though. For now, I'm just focusing on getting to tomorrow.

Even though I'm familiar with the principles behind eating raw, I've never been 100%. Ever. Not on my best day. So now I'm having to learn, unlearn, and re-learn so many things that I sometimes feel overwhelmed by the task ahead.

My Greatest Support

I am tremendously grateful that my husband is doing this with me. Otherwise, there would be no way I could do this. The moments that I sink onto the couch in despair are the moments he steps in and makes our meals like a hero. In addition, I love to cook for him. When I would be more likely to grab a couple carrots and a handful of nuts for dinner, I am much more willing to try new things when I'm cooking for him, too.

So far, this has been fun, amazing, discouraging, challenging, motivating, and surreal. But more than anything, I am just grateful that I have made it an entire eight days.

Eight down, 172 to go.