Don't Worry - Still Raw

I barely got through this most recent food crisis. It's been a rough week and it seemed I was being sabotaged from every angle. To make matters worse, I admit I spent a lot of time drooling over foods that I've sworn off for at least the next 6 months. By the time we hit the road to come home yesterday, and I had nothing but a bag of apples to snack on while my husband was feasting on some fragrant fried chicken, I was a mess.

When my husband stepped out to pump some gas, I fell apart in a pile of tears. I sobbed and prayed, and sobbed and prayed. It was by far my weakest moment of these last two months.

As the snot and tears were running down my face, I simultaneously thought these two things:

1) These were the feelings that I'd been expecting and fearing all along. This was the state that I have felt so grateful to have miraculously avoided for the last two months.

2) Thank you, thank you, thank you God that I haven't felt like these every day for the last two months.

So, I had a good cry, and then I chomped down on my apples. I've found that it's a lot harder for me to feel bitter and angry with a full stomach - regardless of what it's full of. And today, the crisis is over and I'm back to feeling like a raw foodie inside and out. I do not feel like it is a thick, stinky garment that I'm being forced to wear. I'm back to feeling like I'm making a choice, and that makes ALL the difference.

If I'm doing something because I want to do it - because I'm choosing this for myself - then I am 100% more likely to be successful than if I'm doing something because I feel like I have to. As soon as I have that feeling, I start feeling trapped, angry and bitter. That will absolutely end in me quitting. Every. Single. Time. Especially on the food front - feeling trapped is a MAJOR trigger for me because of some of my past food experiences.

I can point to different pools of fat on my body and be like, "Yeah, that's from the winter of '02; this one's from that one time in '06." Yup. My pounds gots stories! Which is why I need to be very careful about the ones I tell myself, and the ones I believe. Today, I'm feeling the "happily after ever" vibe.

Thank.
Goodness.

I'm feeling much more centered and in control of things. However, I'm still in desperate need of a thorough grocery run and have to rely on my husband finding the time in his busy busy schedule to go to the store for me, as I'm still spending most of my time with my sprained foot elevated. But the good news is that he can't last long without food, either, and at this rate, we'll both be dead by midnight tomorrow if he doesn't get to the store first thing in the morning.